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The friendship you have with yourself is the most fruitful of all, and it has a flow-on effect to all other relationships in your life – be they romantic, familial or platonic.
We all know what it means to have a stereotypical best friend. You know their quirky habits, weird likes, dislikes and dreams. They’re the person with whom you celebrate your wins and the one you lean on during setbacks. Now imagine this person is you. Imagine how powerful you could be if you knew you had a best friend you could rely on, within yourself.
You should also know that being alone sets the scene for the most beautiful friendships you could hope for. When you’re your own best friend, you learn more about all the things you hold valuable in life, which allows you to navigate friendships like a pro. You understand what you want and need from your connections, and you appreciate all the positives you bring to other people’s lives.
Once your cup is full of self-love, you have overflow to share with others.
It’s a common – and incorrect – notion, especially for women, that if you love yourself, you’re vain, egotistical and arrogant. This false idea limits individual growth and feeds the narrative that worth is sourced externally.
When we believe our worth is sourced externally, it becomes a measure of the objects we own, the size of our bank account, our physical appearance and, of course, others’ opinions. When, really, the only measurement of self-worth should come from within.
Put yourself first
In life, you can be sure that you’ll be bound by one thing: yourself. We use the word “bound” because your connection with yourself is unbreakable and constant. You can never choose not to be with yourself. You are always there with your inner thoughts, feelings, insecurities and needs. That may sound overwhelming, but it’s why your friendship with yourself is the most important relationship of all. You’re bound to the way you feel, see and treat yourself.
There’s no doubt that our relationships with others are life-changing and soul-fulfilling. But it’s our connection with ourselves that is the one thing we can count on in our lives. So why is it the one we most often neglect? Through the fattest tears you’ve shed, the biggest cackles you’ve unleashed and the most embarrassing moments you’ve cringed through, you’ve had one person by your side: you.
We’re taught that it’s polite to put others first, but how can you expect any external friendship to last if you don’t have a strong bond with yourself first?
Create personal rituals
If the thought of actively spending time alone immediately fills you with fear, don’t panic. There’s a simple hack for that: creating personal rituals.
These look differently for everyone, but that’s the point. They’re personal. They’re something that only you can do on your own. It’s your time to recharge and refuel the jet so you can take off when you need to. Spending time on these practices puts gas back in your tank, giving you more energy for your connections. (You know those moments when you’re talking to a friend and you can feel your eyes glazing over but you just can’t help it? Yeah – you’re running on empty.)
There’s a good chance you already have your own personal rituals without even realising it. It could be listening to your favourite podcast or going for a walk on a Sunday morning. Think about that thing you do to be with yourself and actively be present rather than just passing the time in between social interactions.
Ditch the negative self-talk
The way we speak to ourselves matters. So often we talk to ourselves in a way that we would never speak to our friends.
We often fall into the nasty habit of holding ourselves to a higher standard than we do everyone else. Our internal monologue expects so much and sets completely unachievable goals. Then, as soon as we invariably don’t meet them, we turn into our harshest critic, a personal Simon Cowell, an inner saboteur.
The list of daily activities we believe we are supposed to achieve is overwhelming. In a simple 24-hour day, we expect ourselves to work our dream job, drink two litres of water, do the washing, call our family, catch up with friends, move our bodies, cook and eat a nutritious meal… the list goes on. Even if you’re a superhero, that’s simply not achievable. Yet we continue to expect it of ourselves and be unkind inwardly when we fail to meet these standards.
It’s clear we need to cut ourselves some slack, but expecting that we’ll never again talk negatively to ourselves sets ourselves up for failure too. It’s important to allow a controlled space of constructive criticism but to rein it in as soon as it turns into self-sabotage.
Jay Shetty, a podcast host and author of Think
Like a Monk, eloquently illuminates why it’s so simple to fall into negative self-talk.
“Focusing on something negative is something that we feel, whereas when we read something positive, it’s something that we think.” He says it’s easier to get swept up in negative self-talk because we feel negative emotions much more strongly than positive ones. It takes more work to feel something positive on an emotional level, rather than just thinking it.
Being kind to ourselves is something we need to learn. It’s about controlling the environments we’re in and creating positive surroundings. If you’re working a job that causes you to feel a blanket of heaviness every time you clock on, or if you spend your time with people who weigh you down rather than lightening your load, of course you’re going to be feeling low. A key to ditching negative self-talk is creating an environment of self-kindness.
Romanticise your life
This is your reminder that you are the main character of the movie that is your life. We always look back on years go by – the “golden years” of the past. When we’re reflecting on life’s highlights, we usually think of the milestone moments. But what about the small joys that make up everyday life? These are seemingly insignificant moments that we can enjoy in solitude and should gaze upon with rose-coloured glasses.
Make more time to do things for and by yourself, and actually take in how it makes you feel. The list of ways you can romanticise your life is almost endless, but let’s start off with something as simple as your Sunday morning routine.
Put on an outfit that makes you feel happy. Pack a book or cue up a podcast and find a cosy seat at your favourite café. Treat yourself to a delicious breakfast and your coffee order of choice. Don’t rush. Really indulge in every sip and bite. Then spend the rest of the day ticking off some of your favourite activities: whatever you want. Because that’s the point – you’re doing exactly what you want and soaking in every second of it.
You’re not doing these things alone because you don’t have anyone to hang out with, you’re doing them solo because you want to. By slowing down and romanticising everyday life, you can really enjoy the good old days while they’re happening. You can still draw joy from spending time with your friends, but it means you won’t be reliant on anyone else to find sources of happiness in everyday life.
Being your own best friend isn’t pathetic – it’s powerful! There’s so much magic to be found in enjoying time alone. You just have to give yourself permission to do it.
Solo activities to enjoy on your own
- Run yourself a bath
- Go for a hike
- Read a new book
- Talk to yourself
- Make a to-do list and check things off it
- Do a hair mask
- Head to a museum or art exhibition
- Get your nails done or paint your own
- Follow a yoga video on YouTube
- Sit in the sun
- Meditate
- Try cooking a new recipe
- Try at-home pottery
- Buy yourself some fresh flowers
- Try a new look. Make-up, hairstyle or whatever you like!
- Sign up for an online class
- Explore the markets
- Try a new coffee shop
- Browse op shops and antique stores
- Order your favourite takeaway meal
- Start a DIY project
- Go to a comedy bar
- Update your résumé
- Deep clean your space
- Watch a sunrise or sunset
- Do a paint and sip class
- Spend an afternoon at the library
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