Photos: Maree Wilkinson
Life for former Black Cap superstar Neil Wagner could be described as delightful chaos – with three adorable children under five, the cricket legend and his wife Lana more than have their hands full.
A picture of contentment and in full dad mode following his retirement from international cricket earlier this year, Neil, 38, is a happy man, so it’s almost inconceivable that at one point in his life, he contemplated ending it.
A combination of anxiety, pressure and fear of failure saw the left-handed bowler, then aged 26 and a newly minted Black Cap, at his “lowest point” in 2012 – one he writes about candidly in his upcoming autobiography All Out.
He tells the Weekly, “The weird thing is that, at the time, no one would have noticed it. I put on a brave face and just dealt with it. But behind closed doors, it felt like the walls were creeping in and I felt totally alone. I’d moved to New Zealand from South Africa four years previously and my English wasn’t great, so it was frustrating to not be able to communicate properly, and I tried way too hard to fit in and prove myself.
“The mind is a powerful thing and eventually I found myself down a deep, dark rabbit hole.”
He’s talking specifically about being by a window in the hallway of the team’s hotel room in Sri Lanka, where he thought to himself what it might be like to fall through it and “be done” with it all – despite the fact he’d only months before achieved his childhood dream of playing international cricket.
“I just want to fall,” he writes in his book. “But then I started visualising the headlines: ‘Test match cancelled because New Zealand squad member dies in a Sri Lankan hotel.’”
Making his way back to his room, shaking and jittery, Neil eventually looked at his phone and saw a message waiting for him from Lana.
“We chatted and I told her what was going on, and how low I felt,” he recalls. “She was just a friend back then, but she very quickly became my biggest support. I could talk to her about everything, in my own language, which I needed. She very much saved me.”
Says Lana, “I obviously knew he was struggling but didn’t realise exactly how deep he was in that dark hole. Having a bit of a psychology background, I know what it takes to make that decision when you’re utterly low and broken.
“It takes a lot of courage to decide not to give up at that very moment. That is something I’ll always be proud of. I feel really grateful he pushed through and that he eventually used it as motivation to give us this wonderful life.”
Being so vulnerable in All Out has been a challenge for the cricketer. Neil played 64 tests for New Zealand. He admits writing the book was “100 percent therapy”. However, at the same time, it also opened up old wounds.
“Those who follow cricket will know me as quite aggressive and loud. But, I’ve always kept my private life to myself, including the ups and downs with my mental health,” he admits. “But when you have kids, your priorities change and you think about life. Someone has asked me before to write a book but I was against it – or scared – but now seemed like the right time with my retirement. And also I’d had a couple of whiskeys when I rang up the publisher to accept!
“A lot of it was hard to talk about because vulnerability isn’t easy. It’s scary when you think about the fact that your friends and family, and everyone else, will read about things that they had no idea about. That’s quite daunting. But hopefully my story, all the good and the bad, will help someone else.”
Neil is still playing domestic cricket and very much enjoying the twilight of his career. He’s proud of what’s in the book, and is aware that one day his kids – Olivia, four, Zahli, two, and Joshua, eight months – will read it. He hopes, when that day comes, they’ll be proud of their dad. Fatherhood, he says with a smile, changes everything.
“It was a massive shift,” he explains. “Your priorities change very quickly. Before Olivia, I felt like cricket was the be all and end all. Then I started worrying more about my kids than myself, or my dreams or anything else.”
Adds Lana, “For so long, cricket meant everything to him until he held his first little girl. I think he realised what is truly important. His outlook changed completely especially because, like a lot of other families, it wasn’t an easy road to starting a family. He’s a very hands-on husband and father. The hardworking guy you see on TV is exactly who he is at home. We feel so blessed to have him as a husband and dad!”
It’s clear that Neil, who lives in the Bay of Plenty’s Papamoa, absolutely dotes on his kids. He admits there’s a part of him that wants them to follow in his and Lana’s sporting footsteps – she was a top netballer. However, as he says, “I’ll be happy to watch them chase whatever dreams they have.”
Neil and Lana, who have been married for 10 years, didn’t have an easy path to parenthood, with Lana suffering from crippling endometriosis. IVF was needed for their pregnancies – a process Neil previously knew nothing about.
“As men, we’re not always aware of these things, but it was a tough time and it’s only after you start talking about it that you realise there’s so many other people going through it. We were so fortunate and so lucky to have our children, especially when we were thinking we weren’t going to be able to have any. To have three? We count our luck and our blessings.”
Now, as the Wagner household navigates Neil’s new life as a retired international sportsman, one he admits comes with its own challenges as the pressures of performing are replaced with the pressures of providing, one element is for certain – for now, it’s all about the kids. It’s a move Lana especially is excited about.
“We are still getting used to it,” she says. “He is still playing the game he loves so much, and I still enjoy watching him. However, now the pressure is less and we have more time together as a family.”
And as for Neil? Right now, he hopes that even just one person will take comfort from his revealing memoir. He wants them to know that whatever they’re struggling with, they’re not alone.
“I hope it’s beneficial and helpful,” he says. “It’s really easy to feel alone and think that you’re the only one going through it. But trust me, a problem shared truly is a problem halved.”
Help is here
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Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP).
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